I've had a good week. Work is not a great toil and I actually look forward to going in most days. The women I work for are great ladies, witty and world wise. I've still got 3 months left on the lease for our current apartment but we are starting to pack up all of the non-essential things in the apartment.

As soon as some more of the apartment is clean I plan on having a party... you wanna come? You gotta comment.

so yeah, I guess I really didn't have a great deal to say. But I've said it so there.

I love watching Canadian politicians... When they give a speech, there isn't just the polite golf claps we see here in the states.. there are people in the background clapping like they mean it and saying "Right on!" every now and then. That, and Canadians don't have nearly as many skinny fake looking news anchors... they are real people and they don't look like if they smile too hard their face will crack. Thats about it.... oh the gems of wisdom I come up with watching the CBC....

I love my job, I love my boy..... The minister at church on easter morning talked about how bad things have to happen in order for us to be prepared to move forward with the good things that life presents to us. I think that I'm just about over the bad things and I've been armed to deal with the good things that life is starting to throw my way. I don't want to think that I'm jinxing it by rejoycing in the good of my life currently. I have two wonderful women who have found a way to offer me employment and I've found a way to live out my values in my work like never before. I don't want to think that this is just a dream, but I can't help but think that this wonderful gift just can't last forever.

gotta go and run away now... hope that everyone is having a good week...

Ok, So I realize that I rarely update, much to the chagirn of my friends and family who I equally dont talk to nearly as much as I should. And there are many things as I go though my day that I think, "hmmm... i bet people would love to know that this happened.... and then I procrastanate... and then nothing ever happens. Ok so here it is... I can at least manage to post once a month....

Soooooo, lets see. Since my last post I have...
-found employment helping out people in my congergation with housework and errends... it's pretty snazzy
-went to easter with my families and it was good
-got a car
-went to a couple of UU cons... they were great
-went to the annual meeting, we rocked
-did many other inane things that one does such as go to the bank, and the grocery store and other day to day things
-learned how to make a latte all by myself
-found out that I might not be a complete failiure at life after all...

So that was the quick and dirty summary, I'll try to expand on some things when I get some more sleep... but until then that's all you get! haha

me~

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open it to page 161.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Use what's actually next to you.

"I'm bound for Papeete, Tahiti, but I guess I'd better make a detour and set you folks on the nearest island with an airport." Valhalla Rising - Clive Cussler

Just when I think that everything is going to be ok, life smacks me again to remind me that I'm incapabe of having a steady, normal life. Tomorrow is my last day at the job that I've had for a month and a half. My job position was reorganized out of the company. So I just have to suck it up and start looking again....

fuck.

So I've been having a rough two weeks here. And I just have to say thank you to all of the people who have supported me in the last couple of week, and helped me to stay the course even when I just wanted to run screaming and curl up in a corner. That being said, the rest of this week has gone pretty well. I went back to school and got myself caught up after missing a couple of days. Went back to work and after a rocky 5 minutes (a phone message got lost) it was all good and I'm back to being the queen of empty toner cartriges.

But all in all that wasn't really the point of my post... In the midst of my grief and coming to terms with the new way that my world looks.. I've decided to go and get one of my tattoos done. I haven't decided where I want it yet but I'm going to go and get a red tulip in memory of my grandma. It just seems fitting that spring was always her favorite time of year and tulips were some of her favorite flowers. As long as I can remeber there was a planter box at the top of her stairs that held faux red tulips and it always seemed like a little touch of spring in the house, even if there was 2 feet of snow on the ground. So anyone who has suggestions on where to put it or where to go to get it done, feel free to comment...

ok, well I have to go back and do some work now.. look me up, take me out, or just email me.. I'm feeling kind of disconnected...

My Grandmother's funeral was today. I am half still in shock and half of me is screaming inside. I haven't really gone more then two hours throughout the day without bursting into tears. Everyone just keeps trying to tell me to remember the life that she lived and that she was full of up until the last. And all I can do is curse and rail in my head all the things that she was supposed to wait for. I just want to sit in a corner and let the world pass me by and dwell in my grief but I know that the people who love me aren't going to let me do that. I'm so sick of being reserved and trying not to make too much of a big deal out of it but I can't do it anymore, I can't stop the tears even if I wanted to they keep flowing as my statement to the world that I'm not ok an things are't just fucking peachy. The funeral was at the huge catholic church that my grandmother was a part of and I think that if anything being there in that place was just as traumatic for me as her death itself. They were not my people, and I was not being spirtually served and I was so mad that I was there and I was so wrapped up in my grief that I barely remember half of what happened. It was all so ritiualistic and unemotional. I'm having a crisis of faith, a crisis of self, and most of all a crisis of what I'm doing with my life. I need to get some sleep now.. I've been little more then a walking zombie all day and I doubt that the next week or so is going to be any better. I'm trying to focus on other things but I can't for very long and the thought of getting back to "normal" is not something I've even been able to contemplate yet. But I have to go in and take a test tomorrow and then act like everything is find and I'm not a complete quivering mass of fear and insecruity on the inside. It's time to put the shell of normal back on and paint on the veneer that tells the world that I'm ok. But I still don't know if I can...

Joan Therese Mader Bowe, 1927-2006

I miss her already and I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye...

So life... it isn't all it's cracked up to be but it's better then nothing.

Good news today, I got a call from a company that I sent my resume to Wednesday night. I am glad that I am getting calls back but the stress of preparing for an interview and then getting the call the next day telling me that I need to keep looking is starting to get to me. But I just have to keep going. One of these days that depressing call the day after won't be depressing and I won't have to be so stressed out anymore.

More good news, I got the package from elann.com that contained some of my christmas present!!! My dad's family does a pool to get christmas presents for the grandkids and this year I asked for a gift certificate to one of my favorite on-line yarn stores. And today I got a package in the mail with all of my lovely balls of yarn. I got 15 balls of elann's Peruvian Highland Wool Chunky for the Cheesy Puffs sweater that Donald decided that he liked. I'm going to test this lovely sweater curse and try to outsmart it... We'll see.. if I've broken up with him or killed him in the next year, blame it on the sweater. I also got 2 balls of Harris Tweed Shetland 4ply wool that I'll probably use for socks for Donald, or something... I might order another ball so that I can knit the socks that I really want to....

::Edit:: ok... third ball of yarn ordered... i found a coupon in my email and got the $4 ball of yarn for $1.50 plus shipping. YAY! Boy gets socks that I will like knitting, and he will like wearing... *squee*

Loves to all people...

PS... don't get drunk and puke in my house... it pisses me off to no end (see last post if you need a explanation of my anger). Wheeeeeee.... Donald had to apologize muchly and buy me new pillows, but life is good again here in tessie-world.

I hate you right now,
I hate you more then you can imagine
I hate that you took the healing that i managed over the weekend and turned it into hurt and anger
i hate what you've done
i hate you
i hate the shitty feeling of being supplanted by an inanimate thing
i hate you right now
i hope you wake up in the morning and read this and realize how much hurt you've caused
i hate everything about you right now
i hope you never do this again
i hate your lack of control
i hate your lack of sense
i hate you so much right now
i hope you see what an ass you made of yourself
i hate you right now
i wish i could turn back the clock and beat some sense into you earlier
i hate that you had to try to prove something
i hate that the something you had to prove was so stupid
i hate you right now
i hate the people who encouraged you
i hate you right now
i hate the way you've made me feel
i hate how much you hurt me
i hate you so fucking much right now

I can only hope that this has not been a night beyond repair.. i hope i can find a way to not hate you by tomorrow... but i hate that you've even made me hate you this much...

fuck you and the way you made me feel, fuck you and your need to prove something, fuck you for hurting me.

I wouldn't wanna get tangled in your web. You are
the incarnation of fate. You have three
aspects, face, personalities, how ever you
wanna convey it. They are called Clotho who is
the youngest and the one who collects the STUFF
of humans and weaves them into threads,
Lachesis, depicted as middle aged who weaves
those threads into the tapestry of LIFE, and
then Atropos the oldest who cuts the thread of
human life. Sounds harsh and unfair, but the
tapestry doesn't lie.


What Incarnation of Immortality are you? (wonderful pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

So, I realize that saturday night was New Year's Eve, but does that mean that people really need two days to recover... I was trying to call and be a good girl and make appointments for my doctor and dentist and eye doctor and be a good person for the new year, but they are all closed.. hello.... what is wrong with people. So with that little rant out of the way here is what I hope can be some new year's resolutions:

1) get my weight under control - which leads to:
a) eat better
b) use the rec on campus more
c) commit to myself

2) learn how to clean my house more

3) find a job

4) switch to a degree program that fulfills me

5) stay on top of my commitments to UUism

We'll see how well this all goes.

I have an interview tomorrow at 2pm.. I'm sliding between being incredibly scared and incredibly excited. I need some confidence boosters. But they want to hire someone by the first of the year, so I will know fairly soon as to if I have the job or not. Here's wishing me luck and stilling the nervous giggles that keep escaping. I almost can't hope but can't help but hope.

I have RENT stuck in my head again.. and I don't even have my iPod with me to get it unstuck. Oh well... It's my second Christmas living on my own (well.. sort of) and it still feels really wierd. I can't stand classes but I can't stand not having the freedom to go where I want to go and prusue my passions... I want to have a chance to see the world and explore but I don't have the money. And so I'm going to school.. but I don't want to just go to school, get my degree, and start a job that doesn't allow me freedom. I want to start my own business but I don't want to be stuck down to one place yet. I feel like I'm lost. I know life will go on, but I don't want it to go on without me. Bah.. I think I'm just stressed out, at least I hope that that is the reason. Only time will tell but I feel like time is running out...